Day 21

Today shouldn't have been as bad as it was. Honestly, it shouldn't have. The sun was shining, the temperature maxing out at about 75 degrees F. They are the days I dream of, days in which I can skip class without regret, climb, slackline until my legs hurt, lay in the grass and just laugh for a friggen' long time.

However, while I finally thought I kicked the restlessness, at about 12 PM I had the sudden urge to walk out of class, quit everything, and move someplace friggen far away. While I wasn't about to take action on my sudden burst of spontanaeity, I can't understand what would possess my mind to even THINK about it. Yeah, adventure. Risk, sure. But REALLY!?

I wonder if it's because I'm scared. There's a lot that I'm stressing on, and I don't exactly respond well to stress (as those of you have been around me can attest.) It's stuff that I just have to plug through and not be scared of, and yet my first thought is to escape it all and do exactly what I want to do. Which is go to Boulder, CO, snowboard, and climb rocks. A LOT.

Day 20

The weekend is almost over, which means that things should be calming down around here. I was able to make the most of my days. I did some hiking and hung out all day yesterday. Today I went to church (AMAZING. You don't know how good it feels to be there until you haven't been) then did some slack lining, did some rapelling/ climbing with my suitemate, and then went climbing in the gym. To top it all off, I connected with a friend I felt as though I hadn't seen for awhile due to work schedules.

So now I come to the part where I have to finish up all the work that's due tomorrow. Which thankfully isn't that much, just about a hundred pages of reading. I should be done soon, I suppose. Tomorrow is my ridiculous day, starting at 10 AM with classes and ending at probably 9-10 with Beta/Gamma Hall Council.

Otherwise, I'm holding up well. Being at church felt super good, and I was very encouraged to see several school friends there, including my friend Rebecca, whom I went to high school with and had not seen since last summer (I don't think.) I am still working on reading through the Bible, and am almost done with 1st Kings (I started in mid-August I think.) I'm tired, but keep pushing, as I am well accustomed to doing.

Day 16-OH the rock wall.

So now that I live someplace that I can actually climb without driving for a half hour, I'm back in the gym trying to get strong again. As my hands redevelop the once-prevalent calouses, my forearms maintain a steady pump, and my fingers feel stiff from the amount of pressure that comes from crimping down on holds no larger than my fingernails, it feels good to hurt, to focus my mind, and to move and try to be fluid in all of my moves. Climbing now feels more like a dance to me. I don't care so much about how good of a climber I am on the V-scale, rather, I desire to climb stuff that's higher than 12 ft off the ground.

Basically, I want to lead. I want to climb high, to be scared, to look down and know that if I make a mistake, it'll be many feet before the belayer arrests my fall. I find myself craving those moments where all that matters is you and the rock.

So I'm really looking forward to this year. Classes start tomorrow, and I'm so ready to have something to do besides be an RA. Climbing today was a much needed break, and I got out to Boulevard Park to do some slacklining as well.

Oh, Bellingham, how I love thee!.

Day 13

I felt at times back in Vancouver and on raft camps as though I was viewed as the "left-wing-liberal-hippy-dude." I identify as a feminist, don't like to kill or disturb things in nature without cause, and am against drilling for oil in Alaska and for taking care of the earth God gave us in-general. I believe in loving people as Christ loved us, and I believe that love is a revolution all its own.

For some reason, subscribing to these beliefs makes me a pacifist. I'm not entirely comfortable with this label, simply because I've read the Old Testament. I also speak from limited experience, considering that I have little in this life to protect and defend besides siblings and parents (that live 250 miles away,) and friends up here. As I read through the Bible, I find myself looking for Godly expressions of masculinity, and I am firmly convinced that you can identify as a man and not kill or hurt people.

And yet I struggle with the huge amounts of people that have been killed during "the furthering of God's kingdom." The Old Testament looks a heck of a lot like genocide to me.

So I don't know if anyone besides me struggles with this. I think of David's example, cutting the corner off Saul's robe (1 Samuel 24) and how David states that judgement is between person and God, not in between people themselves. And yet it's ok for Joshua to destroy every city he came across while not knowing even one of it's inhabitants?

So. For example, in the way of self-defense, how do you love someone while you kill them?

Day 11 PEOPLE ARE COMING

After ten days of team building, conduct training, program planning, poster making, bulletin board- taping, door dec-hanging and permanent marker-inhaling, residents are beginning to move in to the dorms. I have one that moved in three floors up whom I met in passing at 10:30 PM as I was taping up names on doors. I called it a night about an hour later: two hours earlier than normal.

I am doing very well on energy (such is the life of an extravert,) but my mind is scattered throughout this campus. Talking to my mother last night was both great and frustrating at the same time due to how "everywhere" my mind is. I still have a few fliers to hang up, but otherwise I'm set to meet new people.

I've had a lot of fun seeing people, staying up late talking, slack lining, climbing, making return trips to the quintessential 24-hour destination of a Western student: Haggen foods. I am definitely ready for this school year to get moving.

I still have to do my "love" post. I'll work on that later. Still processing.

Day 6- What is Love? Baby Don't Hurt Me

I've been reading my Bible a lot lately, and I've read a lot of interesting things, since I haven't gotten out of the Pentatuech (sp?) yet.

I just realized that within the context of the Mosaic Covenant, all it took was sex to be joined to someone in marriage. No ceremony, no blessing, no consent, no love (within today's context) as far as I can tell. God gave instructions as to who could be joined to whom in marriage and occasionally what needs to be done as far as marrying outside the faith I'm still in it, so this may be clarified at a later date. I just thought it was interesting.

What does love even mean? We throw it around so much and apply it to so many different situations, never pausing to think about what we're even saying. As a result the meaning has become so convoluted that we don't know what love even LOOKS like. Sex for the sake of sex is by no means love, nor are casual comments amongst friends divided by grudges and secrecy. Can you not like someone and love them simultaneously?

This may have to happen later. And in fact it will.

Day 5- TGIF

Oh, thank goodness I've got tonight and tomorrow to "myself." It's still going to involve some work as far as getting programs and bulletin boards ready for residents, but I will be NOT on campus tomorrow, at least during the day. I'm considering a movie tonight, but I haven't figured it out yet.

I'd doing better in some respects. As I get settled back in to living on campus, I feel a bit more like I'm supposed to be here now. I am having a very hard time comprehending what the year and my life in general will look like, but I've accepted that I just can't know, so I've got a great deal of peace about it. Still feeling a bit passive and like I don't fit in as much as I hoped to, but I'm sure it'll get better with time.

I just want to add here that my room smells REALLY good. No, I'm serious. I got this
vanilla-esque air freshener that just makes me happy. I found out this summer that I made my room smell really bad, and all I had to do was smell it once before I made the decision to go with the air freshener.

Oh.

Last night I forgot to set my alarm. Thank goodness for noisy maintenance people. I went the first half of the day without a shower, which was kind of fun, but I had forgotten how much it screws with my psyche to not have a shower in the morning. I did get to show people my hard-boiled- egg- peeling trick, which was very nice. I had been wanting one since I got back from camp, but I don't even like them. Which is really funny. I ate it anyway. I guess I know that they're good for our bodies, and I haven't been able to make my own eggs due to time constraints. I have an awesome schedule this quarter though, despite my classes interfering with when everyone wanted to have our staff meeting. Oops.

HAHA Gotta love stream of concious.

Day 4- Beginning to Feel It

My shins hurt. They tell me they're shin splints. Which I recognize, but they don't hurt that bad, so I really have to option but to push on. My energy reserve is doing ok, though yesterday felt better than today in terms of the amount of energy I felt I was able to offer.

In this 45 minutes that I have to do whatever I want, I'll bring you up to date on this set of posts that will combine to form my blog for the school year of 08'-09'. While they may or may not change from the perspective of the reader, I feel as though I will be approaching them differently than in the past.

As a Resident Advisor at Western Washington University, I am a university employee. This means that what I write could be taken to reflect the school's philosophy of engaging students. I must stress that I will not be writing much about my job. I am not an RA all the time, and as such, I will take off that hat when I approach a subject or idea that I feel is worthy of discussion. Yes, I will likely have some awesome stories come out of this year. This blog is not where you will find them. So I'm doing my best to reflect my feelings and thoughts as an individual, which is what I tried to do in the past, but I just have to be extra careful that I'm not sharing any information other than what is not mine to share.

So, at the beginning of the 08'-09' school year, this is where I'm at as a person. I had an amazing summer that profoundly influenced the way I view things. As I walk the bricks paths in my bare feet, I feel different. Somehow more aware. More likely to challenge things that I feel are misrepresented (within the context of a personal conversation.) And more uncertain than ever about what I'm supposed to do with myself. I feel as though since I don't know where I'll end up, I have nothing specific to do with my attention. Everything in me wants that "something." In a way, I feel somewhat lost in it all. I imagine this is a common feeling with college seniors, but I feel as though have nothing to pursue.

This sentiment explains the title of this string of posts that will comprise my blog this year. I have no idea what my future holds. And no idea of what I've been called to do other than love God and others. As classes begin, I will get much desired structure and hopefully a little more down time.

Fear is my enemy. If I give in to complacency and the fear of failure, I lose nothing but that which I would have gained, and nothing is gained but a false sense of security, as well as a victory for the evil one, who would like nothing more than to keep me from loving God and people to the fullest. Trying becomes what matters. So even if I fail, I will eventually succeed at something, as long as I give it everything I've got.

And now, I get to go learn about "self-authorship" or something. Which basically amounts to sitting in a classroom for the next two hours.

Oh, I'm ready to be done with this training thing already.

Day 2- UGH

So it's way too late right now, and I really should be sleeping, or at least trying to sleep while lectures and discussions on gender roles, sexual orientation, race and ethnicity resonate in my head.

I didn't get back to my room and asleep until about 2:00 AM, which meant that my waking up for 7:15 breakfast was less than desired. Then, I sat in a lecture hall, had lunch, sat in a lecture hall, went on a "photo scavenger hunt," ate dinner, then had a staff meeting, at which point I hung out talking with one of my RA friends until about 15 minutes ago. I'm sort of whooped, and it's only the first day.

I'll check in the next time I have a minute, but they've got us doing stuff for basically the next solid two weeks, with the exception of maybe Saturday if we get enough done during the week. Thank goodness I got those door decs done ahead of time. Thanks to friends and family that helped out with that.

So now it's responding to email, then Leviticus, then some journaling if I'm not knocked out by then.

Cheers,
Brandon